Yaaaaaamm senng!!!!

Weddings can be nice events. Weddings can leave you with a nice warm 'awww' feeling. I enjoy a well edited slide show presentation of the happy couple throughout their lives as much as the next person. (Key phrase here is well edited, people). But weddings can leave me feeling a little blue. Especially when you're there on your own. And when the guy next to you at the dinner table asks you why you're not married yet. And asks old how you are. Ffffffffuuuuuuu----

Reflection

I haven't posted ANYTHING in a while. Well, that's what happens when Facebook gives you the opportunity to bleat whatever shit you have in your head without the need to form proper sentences.

Also, I haven't really had the inclination to write anything. There's a scale to these things. Sometimes frustration and anger inspires you to write and write. But there comes a point where your frustration wearies you to the point of numbness - where writing does nothing but dig up all your problems for you to sniff over. So, I shut up. Because to write about it became like complaining and I wasn't getting anywhere with it. Also before that I dropped into a misery-hole of the mind where no creativity came forth and any energy I had was put into getting up every day, putting a smile on my face and going to work and doing what one has to do every day to be human. I also decide one day to not be so introspective about everything. I tend to direct energy inward (o gawd, I sound so like I've been to American therapy - but that comes from watching too many American TV shows), but for many months I've been trying to do something different - like going to the gym. Instead of going around and round in my thoughts, I thought it would be better to go round and round on the treadmill instead - focus that negative energy outward etc etc. Which gave some very good results by the way. I was getting overweight and depressed, and going to the gym was my social life for a while. It got me going someplace else besides just traveling back and forth between work and the house. And once you get in the habit of exercise, you remember that adrenaline rush, and how good it feels, to be a healthy animal ready to take on the world.

I wouldn't say I'm completely cured. My episodes of darkness and light come in cycles but I like to think I learn a little something in every period of darkness, and each subsequent period is never as dark as the one before.

Kindness

Every experience one has had adds a little spot of colour on to the background of the personality one is born with.When a childhood is spent in a rough-and-tumble household, when the school-age years is spent in a competitive environment, when one learns throughout young adulthood to rely on oneself to achieve one's own goals and to feel the consequences of one's own decisions, one develops a certain attitude that is self-centric. I ponder my own problems, I make my own decisions, I take action on those decisions alone and I accept the results of those actions.

I find it far easier to get angry at an injustice, or to face a fear as a challenge, or to extend kindness to a stranger. It is far harder to comprehend the wants and needs of a loved one; the emotions are too complex. It is harder too, to find yourself at the receiving end of kindness, to suddenly realise that someone finds you deserving of kindness and compassion. It is not that my self-esteem is so low, it is just that I do not think I have done anything to deserve it. All I have done is what I know I have to do, out of what I feel is right. How strange to think that others have noticed and admired my actions. How strange to have others speak with concern of the potential mistake that I will make in my future. How strange that it is not a close friend or family that is concerned for my future happiness, but someone who would have nothing to gain from my emotional well-being.

It is enough to make one come undone, to have tears prickle at the corner of my eyes. I have been fortunate in many things in life that I never expected to be shown sympathy. Suddenly I find someone feeling sorry for me and going out of their way to be kind to me.

It is too much.

The Prodigal Daughter

So I haven't posted in a while but not as long as I thought since I didn't think I posted anything at all this year. But I clearly did in March even if it was just to curse at my work conditions.

Aaah, work.... who doesn't curse and moan and whinge about how shitty their work is or how much of monster their boss is or how they have got the nastiest bitch for a colleague? Yes and I did plenty of that on Facebook but as more colleagues and cousins and aunts get added on my friend list, venting on Facebook has become less attractive really fast. And no one wants to be that asshole who puts everybody off by spewing vitriol on their status updates every day.

And so I turn to you o Blogpost, to once again give vent to my bitter, misanthropic feelings about the human race in general without the repercussions one gets from the hurt feelings of friends one hasn't spoken to in years.

Updates soon.

Fuck

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Fucking shit.

I'm sick of this fucking shit.

If I wasn't such a stubborn bitch with a motherfucking ego, I'd have quit this stupid gig.

Fuck.

Random shit that random people have said to me

From a patient in a ward:

"Doktor mesti belum kahwin lagi kan?"
"Ya, belum. Kenapa?"
"Sebab muka doktor ceria je."

From a patient in clinic that I hadn't seen in a while:

"Waaah, doktor sudah gemuk."

From an Air Asia flunkie at the departure gates:

"Are you pregnant?"

From the lady sitting next to me on the plane:

"Kamu kerja kilang ke?"

From a colleague:

"Ko ni poyo."


Thanks everyone, I'll be here all week.

Dean who?

Lee Pace is adorable.

Just fucking adorable.

End of.