My relatives seem to think I cut people up all day. Either they don't quite understand the difference between physicians and surgeons or they can't be bothered to remember what I actually do for a living. Or maybe they are just pleased that a member of the family is up to exciting and wonderful things and they don't like it when I say otherwise. I'm sure it looks pretty nifty on television but as a junior surgeon you pretty much do nothing but hold on to bits of body parts while your senior does all the fancy stuff. It can get pretty boring (and a strain on the biceps) but an ENT surgeon I know once said, "There's no bigger thrill than holding a scalpel over a person's face." I hoped she meant it in a nice anaesthetised manner with plenty of painkillers after. I didn't hang around long enough to ask.
I don't have much to do with scalpels. I mess around with needles instead. There was that lovely time when we practiced suturing on pigs' feet. Apparently it's perfect for ham-handed medical students as it's got these lovely different layers to stitch together. Imagine the confidence I could inspire in patients when I say, "Don't worry, I have done this before. I've practiced on pig's trotters!" Never mind that he's oozing blood as we speak, my porcine-trained hands will soon sort him out.
On the less glamorous side of things, but no less satisfying, are catheters. Now, I'm not talking about life-saving cardiac catheters, I'm talking about your bog-standard urinary catheter. Forget the clot-busting cardiac ones, the urinary catheter makes more difference in people's daily lives than any other. (Disclaimer: This is my scientific feeling, and is not based on any scientific evidence.) It's also a damn satisfying sight to stick a catheter in and see two litres of urine gush out and that awful, awful abdominal pain relieved. You don't believe me? Try drinking 5 cups of tea and see how excruciating it is to hold your wee in.
Little known fact: if you work in general surgery, you spend a lot of time sticking your finger up people's bums. Seriously. It's not all macho, heroic feats that they get up to. There's a lot of muck involved. Still, when they're not dealing with people's bums, they get to swan around the wards a lot. Surgical ward rounds are about a minute per patient, which means surgeons can afford to dress in swanky suits and the female ones can click around in their high heels. The junior physicians on the other hand, being a part of the largest department in the hospital and therefore see the most patients, spend hours on the ward. You can always spot them - they're the ones in comfortable shoes and their third-best clothes. Or the ones running full tilt down a corridor to a cardiac arrest. See, that's why comfy shoes are essential. Physicians, or medics as the surgeons would call them, don't have the luxury of a fully unconscious and anaesthetised patient who has been cleaned and prepped by various assisstants. Often, they do quite scary procedures with only a bit of local anaesthetic and a scared, sweaty patient under them in a noisy, busy ward. You'd be lucky if you managed to get one person to assist you. And if you do get a bit of ascitic fluid or urine on you, never mind - it's only your cheap Primark shirt, not your best Pink one.
If you judge by the clothes, you might mistake an anaesthetist for a medic. They wear horrid clothes when they're not in their scrubs. Sure, most of their patients are unconscious but it doesn't mean they can take the phrase 'dress down' so literally. My late grandad wouldn't give the time of day to a doctor who did not wear a tie or have shiny shoes. Mind you, he thought that t-shirts are improper and should only be worn as an undergarment, but I can see where he's coming from regarding a smartly dressed doctor. Strangely enough, radiologists, who rarely touch a patient and spend most of their time in a darkened room, are aways smartly dressed. I would think they could get away with wearing purple trousers and a striped orange and green top to work.
So you see, it took my mother some months before she understood that there really was no point in me buying power suits and two-inch court shoes. Anything I wear to work would either be hotwashed, washed daily or if it was disgusting enough, binned. But shoes, ah, I still spend a lot of money on them. You need to, when you're on your feet all day. So God help anyone who gets piss on my shoes......
P.S. Sorry for all the puns. I couldn't help myself.
I don't have much to do with scalpels. I mess around with needles instead. There was that lovely time when we practiced suturing on pigs' feet. Apparently it's perfect for ham-handed medical students as it's got these lovely different layers to stitch together. Imagine the confidence I could inspire in patients when I say, "Don't worry, I have done this before. I've practiced on pig's trotters!" Never mind that he's oozing blood as we speak, my porcine-trained hands will soon sort him out.
On the less glamorous side of things, but no less satisfying, are catheters. Now, I'm not talking about life-saving cardiac catheters, I'm talking about your bog-standard urinary catheter. Forget the clot-busting cardiac ones, the urinary catheter makes more difference in people's daily lives than any other. (Disclaimer: This is my scientific feeling, and is not based on any scientific evidence.) It's also a damn satisfying sight to stick a catheter in and see two litres of urine gush out and that awful, awful abdominal pain relieved. You don't believe me? Try drinking 5 cups of tea and see how excruciating it is to hold your wee in.
Little known fact: if you work in general surgery, you spend a lot of time sticking your finger up people's bums. Seriously. It's not all macho, heroic feats that they get up to. There's a lot of muck involved. Still, when they're not dealing with people's bums, they get to swan around the wards a lot. Surgical ward rounds are about a minute per patient, which means surgeons can afford to dress in swanky suits and the female ones can click around in their high heels. The junior physicians on the other hand, being a part of the largest department in the hospital and therefore see the most patients, spend hours on the ward. You can always spot them - they're the ones in comfortable shoes and their third-best clothes. Or the ones running full tilt down a corridor to a cardiac arrest. See, that's why comfy shoes are essential. Physicians, or medics as the surgeons would call them, don't have the luxury of a fully unconscious and anaesthetised patient who has been cleaned and prepped by various assisstants. Often, they do quite scary procedures with only a bit of local anaesthetic and a scared, sweaty patient under them in a noisy, busy ward. You'd be lucky if you managed to get one person to assist you. And if you do get a bit of ascitic fluid or urine on you, never mind - it's only your cheap Primark shirt, not your best Pink one.
If you judge by the clothes, you might mistake an anaesthetist for a medic. They wear horrid clothes when they're not in their scrubs. Sure, most of their patients are unconscious but it doesn't mean they can take the phrase 'dress down' so literally. My late grandad wouldn't give the time of day to a doctor who did not wear a tie or have shiny shoes. Mind you, he thought that t-shirts are improper and should only be worn as an undergarment, but I can see where he's coming from regarding a smartly dressed doctor. Strangely enough, radiologists, who rarely touch a patient and spend most of their time in a darkened room, are aways smartly dressed. I would think they could get away with wearing purple trousers and a striped orange and green top to work.
So you see, it took my mother some months before she understood that there really was no point in me buying power suits and two-inch court shoes. Anything I wear to work would either be hotwashed, washed daily or if it was disgusting enough, binned. But shoes, ah, I still spend a lot of money on them. You need to, when you're on your feet all day. So God help anyone who gets piss on my shoes......
P.S. Sorry for all the puns. I couldn't help myself.
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