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Too much time to think

Having annual leave when you're not really on holiday is no fun. So, I may complain of long working shifts, the odd hours, having to work every alternate weekend - but I find myself at a loss when I'm not at work. Relieved, to a certain degree, that the pressure is off - that that heart-clenching worry is off - but at the same time not knowing what to do with myself when I do have time off. Oh there are plenty of things I promised I would do, if only I had a day off work - but all those things are work -related, which doesn't really afford me time away from work. So I'm nervous when I'm not at work, yet reluctant to do anything mildly reminiscent of work.

Why don't I go on holiday, you say? Because I feel I can't. There's that damned audit to finish, that police report to write, the bills to sort out and biggest of all, I'm waiting for a call or a letter asking me to come for a job interview. I dare not leave the immediate vicinity of my house. Plus, if I find myself jobless come August, I would need to save every penny I have.

I'm very dyspeptic right now.

You know when you've got a list of things to do as long as your arm, all equally important and demanding your attention, and you can't prioritise which to do first, and it all overwhelms you to the point that it paralyses you and you end up not doing anything at all?

I once overheard in our A&E department, the on-call psychiatrist ask a patient who had taken an overdose, "Is there anything in life that you find pleasure in?"

Unlike the poor soul who answered "No," I feel I can say yes to that question. Yes, I have many pleasures in life. I enjoy curling up in bed with a good book. I enjoy listening to Muse's new album. I enjoy sitting in the warmth of the sun coming through my window. I enjoyed last night's pepproni and green pepper pizza. I enjoy browsing in a bookshop then sitting down to have a coffee. I enjoy burping. But equally, there are many things I am dissatisfied with.

The question I ask myself is not whether I find pleasure in life but "What the hell am I doing?" and more importantly, "Where am I going?"

I realise it's been just over ten years since I asked myself those very same questions, albeit in a less maniacal way. Can you have a mid-life crisis several times in your life? I feel a pressure to up my game, but I don't know how to do it. I'm not sure I even know what the game is.

How have I grown so small?

Comments

Kere said…
Mmphh.. like coffee?

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