I'm Not Asleep, My Eyes Are Just Closed

As a member of S.E.X.Y.F.A.T. (Society for the EXploitation of Yummy men in Film And Television) I feel obliged to do a run-down of top hunks that graced our (okay, my consciousness) in 2006. For the original S.E.X.Y.F.A.T. manifesto, please see Maryam's Guide To Everything Part 1. And no, I can't be bothered to review anything else in 2006 or make any resolutions because a) it's boring b) yeah, right, as if I'll change my ways c) this was way more fun My Top 3 Jensen Ackles (Jensen, you know it's me you want, not Maryam!) Jared Padalecki (Oh, alright, I'll have you instead) Jim Caviezel (aaaah, my blue-eyed Jim, why so sad? Is it because you are No.3?) Special Mention Guy Berryman (you are still yummy) Brandon Flowers (but only circa 2003 when he was sans eyeliner, mustache and gelled flattened hair) Paolo Nutini ( a bit too young for me but lovely all the same) Johnny Depp (the long time favourite, still going strong. You still float my boat Johnnayy!

Thanks to the people at YouTube and the wonderful Izzerial whose hard work enabled me to enjoy the Jen-Man himself over and over and over and over.......... Oh and Maryam.... Jensen's MINE!

In the spirit of Christmas Flatmate thought it would be nice to send Cancer Man a Christmas card. Just to be friendly and neighbourly, and to show that there are no hard feeelings. So she got a pack of 20 charity Christmas cards and wrote out the same message that a million other English-speaking people write in their Christmas cards - Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. It was signed, From S. That was it. And what do you know, back comes a card that starts, 'My dearest S,' and an effusive paragraph which goes on and on about her 'flashing smile', 'beauty', and 'incomparable hair'. "That's it!" Flatmate exclaimed. "No more being nice and polite. He's fucking 60, you would think he would have learned a few things by now, but he has managed to creep me out again." "Ughhh," I said as I read the card. "You're right. He is creepy. Does that line say, 'God's gift to us lonely men?'" "No, I

MUSIC Thanks to Maryam for the delights of this month's music. Be patient, Maryam, the world will one day see our special dance. 1) Presidente - KINKY . Singing in Spanish somehow makes everything sound sexier, even if he is singing about politics. Despite the oblique accusations of corruption against the Mexican president, this song is dance-floor hot and guaranteed to shake your booty. (I only use the word 'booty' online because in real life I would never get away with it.) 2) Let's Make Love And Death From Above - CSS . Bizarre title but the song works. Perfect for when returning to the home planet. 3) Ladylike - STORM LARGE & THE BALLS . They've got a name that is just dying for you to make dirty jokes about, but subject matter is serious to all girls who get the mickey taken out of them for not being 'ladylike.' Incidentally, Storm Large was one of the contestants on Rockstar: Supernova. MOVIES Surprisingly, I haven't watched many movies this mo

Words and phrases I use too often: Stupid Asshole Fucker/fucking/fuckhead Bastard (A combination of the above) Oh dear God What the fuck? What the fuck! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? Rrrrwooof!! (Only applicable when seeing Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki topless) The search for a better vocabulary and form of expression continues............

There are some things which people are always willing to forgive - adultery, greed, murder, tight pants. But a woman saying she doesn't like children seems to elicit a horrified look and cries of, "Oh, my God, WHY? Kids are so cute!!" No, they are not. They are humans too which means they can manifest every nasty thing that human beings are capable of. It's not that I loathe children. I just don't feel obligated to go "Awwwww!!!" every time some kid in pigtails passes by. (Note: please don't put your kids in pigtails - it makes them look fat and ugly and some kids need all the help they can get). Take this evening for example. I am sitting enjoying a cup of coffee while looking at pictures of Jensen Ackles on the internet when some kids choir start singing in the lobby of the shopping mall. I have nothing against them doing that except that: a) they are off key b) they are off tune c) the speakers are too loud d) some shrill kid singing 'Jingle B

The only reason I watched Smallville was because of Tom Welling’s stunning looks. After awhile even young Superman’s charms could not make up for the atrociousness of the series. Similarly, I sat through an equally bad tv series that was axed after one season called Young Americans for the sole reason of ogling at a gorgeous actor called Ian Somerhalder. It also starred the then unknown Kate Bosworth, so you can guess what kind of lame television show it was. After that, I moved on to Dark Angel. I quite like it premise (after all I am a sci-fi and fantasy buff) but as a woman, part of the attraction was the wheelchair dude who was Jessica Alba’s boss. (See, I can’t remember his name anymore). My interest in Dark Angel waned when I realised he wasn’t that cute but perked up again upon the arrival of a character called Alec, played by Jensen Ackles. Hello, handsome. Alas, my happiness was short-lived as Jensen only had a guest role and the series was discontinued after two seasons, desp

Imagine you are twenty seven years old. You have lived apart from your parents since you were eighteen. You have managed to arrange your own transport, find your own accomodation, pay your own bills, feed yourself, get into shouting matches with the local yobs and backpacked across Europe on your own. Now imagine that once you return home, your parents (especially your mother) think you are no more than the callow eighteen year old who left all those years ago and insist that if left to my own devices, I would starve to death in my own filth or be raped, robbed and beaten on the 'mean' streets of KL (not necessarily in that order). There's nothing that makes me feel more juvenile than when my own mother treats me that way. My parents were not content with giving me a ride to Bukit Bintang, they insisted on personally accompanying me and dropping me off in front of my friends. When going out with a guy friend, they can't seem to get it in their heads that he is only a fr

Note: Not that anybody noticed, but due to several problems with a fried modem, a computer virus, an unstable phone line and trips to kampungs with no internet access, several of my posts have been uploaded belatedly. So dates will have no correlation to actual events. You can only be patient with Malaysian drivers for so long before you feel like punching them in the face, scream obscenities about their parentage and bash their monstrous four-wheel drives in with a sledgehammer. Yes, I know a third of you out there have lesen kopi , while the other third passed because the JPJ officers couldn’t be arsed that day, but that doesn’t disqualify you from having a brain and utilising it. If several cars come screaming down on you on the highway then overtake you on the inside lane while giving you dirty looks means that travelling at 80km/h on the fast lane in a 110km/h zone is the quickest way to get somebody to ram you in the back. Just because you pay your road tax doesn’t mean you can

My mother is pleased that I have lost some weight since the last time she saw me. Trust me, I'm not that thin but at least my family has stopped calling me Michelin Man. (Yes, my family is very cruel). My mother is also pleased that I dress in a more 'ladylike' fashion now, because I arrived at the airport wearing a pink, flowery shirt-dress. It’s only now that she’s discovering that that outfit was the only thing I brought home with me that would fit her ideas of lawa. Things would be perfect if my eczema hadn’t flared up again and I wasn’t spending raya with the skin on my face and hands red, angry and itching. My mother sighs, “ Kesian anak mama ni. Dah kurus, tapi muka comot .” First day of Raya at my grandmother’s house was rather muted, mainly because most of my cousins were not due to arrive till later. My grandmother is mostly grumpy, barking orders at her daughters. My mother manages 3 days before she has a bust-up with her own mother. At least my grandmother’s s

I haven’t been to a mosque in a while, but I’m back in Malaysia and its Ramadhan now, so I’ll try to be good, eh? My younger sister is home as well so at least I’ve got someone besides my dad to go with. My mum doesn’t go – she says she farts too much and it would be too troublesome to make her way in and out of the prayer ranks to take her wudhu again. “We have to go to the mosque in Section 14 instead of our normal one,” my sister, KJ, says. “Why?” “Because they’ve bulldozed the one near here to build a shopping mall.” “WHAT?! Surely that wouldn’t be allowed? That mosque is always packed.” “Just kidding,” KJ sniggers. “It’s being renovated.” I shake my head and say something about menipu masa bulan puasa . “I miss the old mosque, though,” KJ adds. “I knew people there. All the regular makciks and neneks were my friends. We nod at each other in the wudhu room.” “Yeah, and I’m sure you give each other backslaps and say ‘Yo, bitches! Wassssssuuuup?” KJ smirks. “How come you always

Music When The Night Feels My Song – Bedouin Soundclash Raya songs – Various artists . Dear God! Why do raya songs have to be so maudlin and depressing? Why are these people permanently di perantauan and not in their own homes? Why do they keep mooching about the past? Lighten up and stuff your face with ketupat , why don’t you? Uhhh, that’s it really. Haven’t been listening to the radio much lately. Movies Lucky Number Slevin – This movie, chock-full of quality film stars like Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley and Bruce Willis, wasn’t the box office smash its producers hoped for, which is a shame because I quite like it. It centres on Josh Hartnett turning up in a new town to visit a friend, only to be mistaken for his missing friend by two local gangsters. His friend owes each gangster a whole load of money and in order to save his life, Hartnett has to murder two people. But all is not as it seems as Bruce Willis, a notorious hitman absent from the city for many years, is whisperi

It has been eleven days and Cancer Man has remained quiet. Maybe because it took three days before Flatmate gave any response to his flowers, and the response was a dry thank you note and strict avoidance of anymore waves and smiles. Flatmate still thinks the letter and flowers are a tad creepy, but I can't help feeling a little sorry for Cancer Man. He probably thinks he got silly over a young bird and now the bird's not being so friendly anymore because she thinks he's a freaky, pervy old man. I guess it just shows that no matter how old you get, you can still make a fool of yourself. "Could it not just be that the flowers were just a grateful gesture to someone who made him smile on a really bad day? I asked. Flatmate pondered on that a while. "No,"she said at last."It was the last two paragraphs of the letter that made me think otherwise. All that stuff about the impossible dream between two people with such a huge age gap and my 'lustrous hair a

Phewh! What with all the excitement of the past month, I've forgotten about my monthly list. Not that anyone would miss it, but I like to do it for completeness sake. This month, I've been listening to: Twelve Stops and Home (Album) - THE FEELING . I bought the album initially because there two songs on it that I liked plus it was on sale, but wasn't too enamoured with the album as a whole. Now, two months after I've bought this album, it has grown on me and I can put it on daily. It's happy, summery, guitar music and still well worth putting on even if summer's on its way out. America - RAZORLIGHT . Quiet, subtle music that seeps into your consciousness. Nice. Empire - KASABIAN . I'm ok with the odd Kasabian single but this one I really like. Plus if you have a bloke in your English band called Serge Pizzorno, you gotta be cool. Pump It - BLACK EYED PEAS . Yes, sirree, I will. El Matador - LOS FABULOSES CADILLACS . I heard this song from the Grosse Point Bl

Romance is not dead. At least not in the older generation. I could just die from laughing. Not from derision, no, those days are long gone, but from amusement and a sense of triumph. But this is not my story. Let me start from the beginning. When my friend and I moved into this apartment complex, we didn't know anyone. We still don't. We meet our neighbours in the car park and hallway and nod and smile to each other and that's about it. So we have come up with our own names for them and speculate on what they do for their living and how they relate to the people who live with them, if they do have flatmates. The fact that our apartment is on the ground floor and our living room doors open up to the grass verge and the car park outside made it easier to spy on our neighbours when they came home or come out to throw out the trash. We're nosy like that. Our favourite neighbour is someone who we call Cancer Man. He doesn't really have cancer (at least not that we are aw

When I was twelve, I had a good friend who I think was way too ahead of everyone at school. She had ideas that didn't conform to the norm, talked of rebellion against teachers and of places that I've never heard of. She was a lot more mature than me, on hindsight, and her taste in men reflected it. She used to rave about an actor called Daniel Day-Lewis, son of celebrated poet Cecil Day-Lewis. At that time, I had heard of neither, nor would I have been interested in any movies that Daniel starred in or read any of the works of his father. My friend showed me a picture of him, hair all gelled up and wearing a tuxedo at some fancy awards do. She was practically drooling over him but I didn't think he was handsome at all, rather funny-looking in fact. Of course at that age, the opposite sex barely registered on my radar. If someone twisted my arm and insisted I name somebody who I thought was cute, I would probably go with Joe from New Kids On The Block, or Corey Haim.(Althoug

I'm back in Liverpool after nearly four weeks in Ireland. It's great to be back in my own place but the house is resoundingly silent. And dusty. My housemate's on call tonight so she won't be back till late. Suddenly, it sucks to be alone, and I've never been one for disliking my own company. Anyway, I had a good time in Ireland, apart from the time my face swelled up and I leaked pus from my face, but hey, that could have happened anywhere! I've gained a kilo in weight since my sister-in-law feeds me so well and I've basically sat on my arse 90% of the time because my sinus problems have knocked the energy out of me. Okay, that's an excuse, but I need to seriously shed some pounds before I see my mother and all the skinny people in Malaysia in 3 weeks time. Nothing like being back home to make me feel like a lumbering giant. I've been to Dublin several times but I've never done the whole tourist thing properly. I did manage to go to Dublin Castl

The thing with critics is, even if they do say some bad things, if they do it in a witty and amusing fashion, you can almost forgive them. Of course if they critique somebody else instead of you, they're even more hilarious. My niece, the early-riser, likes to come into my room if she know I'm awake, or if she's plain bored. Sometimes she just chats away, and I nod and listen and pretend I understand. Today, we were playing a 'monster' game as she climbs underneath my duvet and both of us go "RRRRRrrrrrrr!". Niece then says, "You haven't brushed your teeth." Now, I could take offence at that. Certainly if it wasn't expressed by a little girl in a pink polka dot dress. But think again on the sophistication of this comment. You are four months short of your fourth birthday. You are playing a game with your favourite aunt. While in close proximity with said aunt, you detect a sour smell. You recognise this smell as the smell of foul breath.

Caution: Do not read further if you are of the queasy type and/or never liked it when I discussed bodily functions. People in the health profession tend to to fall into two groups when it comes to their own health: they're either closet hypochondriacs or they are perpetually in self-denial of their symptoms and their unhealthy lifestyle. Which is why, the doctor's code of conduct does not encourage doctors to treat themselves. Most of the time it is easiest to prescribe stuff for yourself rather than go your own general pactitioner. It works for simple prescriptions like a one-off course of antibiotics. So when the eczema on my face started to deteriorate past mildly irritating to full-scale fingernail attack, I got myself some hydrocortisone cream. Worked fine for 3 days after which I stopped. I know you're supposed to continue for seven days but my skin gets horribly paper thin on steroids so I decide not to continue beyond three days. I had a few days free of problems be

I have been playing with my nearly 4 year old niece for a good two hours now and we're having a great time. At one point I lie on my stomach next to her on the floor when she promptly stands up and goes to lie down at the opposite end of the room. "Why did you run away from Auntie?" I asked Niece looks abashed (I didn't know nearly 4 year olds can look abashed) and points to her cheek, indicating the eczematous flare up on my left cheek. I am aghast. I know that my niece has a highly developed sense of aesthetics for a kid who isn't even in school, but for her to be revulsed by my appearance is just too much. I relate this to my sister-in-law who shrugs her shoulders and sighs in resignation. "This isn't the first time she's been so blatant. The other day in the tram, she pointed to a dwarf standing near us and said loudly, 'Mummy, why is that man so short?'I tried to distract her with something else but she kept pointing and repeating her que

I have left ole England and have safely arrived in Ireland to see my family and friend. I planned to stay here a month - the longest time I have ever spent in the company of my family since I have lived independently. As per usual, I never sleep properly prior to a trip anywhere nor could I eat breakfast this morning without feeling sick. But I eat anyway because I know I would feel worse if I get on the plane on an empty stomach. And as per usual I nodded off during the 30 minute flight. Mainly becuase I hardly slept last night, but also because I have a tendency to fall sleep when I'm sitting on any moving vehice (vehicles on water excepted). I think it has something to do with my parents putting us kids in the car and driving around till we fell asleep. I kept waking up though, because somewhere at the back of my brain I was still conscious that I was sleeping with my mouth gaping open and perpetually on the verge of drooling. I do not, however, know if I snored. I was once woke

This month, I have been listening to: You Give Me something - JAMES MORRISON SexyBack - JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE . Ooooh, Mr Trouser Snake himself. Trouble - RAY LAMONTAGNE Fill My Little World - THE FEELING I have also watched: Garden State - Ehhh. Nothing fantastic, but maybe I've been reading too many reviews and expecting too much. I can garner some sympathy for the over-anaesthetised Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff) and appreciate the tension between Large and his father (Ian Holm) whenever he briefly appears on-screen, but I watched most of the film feeling like I was on all the anti-psychotics Large was on. Robin Hood: Men In Tights - Why did I rent this film? How could I forget that I watched it before and didn't find it all that funny? I returned it without watching it till the end. Spirited Away - Japanese anime is always a little weird but worth watching because they rarely fit the usual Hollywood/Western storyline. Captivating story with interesting characters, beautiful an

Things that made me happy today: Nice day out in town with my friend Didn't have any arguments with said friend even though we discussed several controversial topics (good, considering we argue about the smallest things) Bought a lovely bag formyself - which was on sale! Ran 1km non-stop. Then ran another 1km non-stop. A kilometre probably isn't much for a lot of people but it is for me, the person that struggled to finish the 1500m in school. I'm hardly the adrenaline junkie, but all this recent exercise is my renewed bid to lose weight, get fit and to keep myself occupied while unemployed. It's not the easiest thing to keep some sort of structure to your day when every time you open your eyes in the morning you know you can roll over and go back to sleep becuase you don't have to go to work. You can stay in your jammies and watch re-runs of Scrubs and 8 Simple Rules all day. There is no reason to shower and to comb your hair. For the past two days I felt like I

Many years ago, I used to look with a bemused air at the women who ran around in a tizz like Bridget Jones over their men and their realtionships with them, and secretly looked down on all things chick-lit and all those who claim to enjoy that genre. As they say in life, what goes around comes around. Although I haven't rushed out to buy the entire works of Marian Keyes, for example, I have come to see why people write books like these and why so many enjoy buying and reading it. Yes, because I have questions too, and am starting to wonder. Many of my single, 20-something friends are getting....... I guess the word to use is, concerned, re: their single lifestyle. Not that we don't enjoy it, but there comes a point in your life when you think, "Hang on. Is this it?" Because no matter how independent, kick ass, superwoman, super feminist type of person you are, at the end of the day, everyone is looking for love and companionship, that special someone, the soulmate, th