Broken rasp.
Eyes you can drown in.
Teeth.
I've heard it said that the people one is physically attracted to look a little like oneself. Makes sense, especially if you're the sort who's so in love with yourself you'd look for a partner with your own 'good looks'.
What do you look for in a partner?
Oh, it's one of those questions, is it? Like, if your house is on fire what would be the one thing you would save? Or would you choose to be extremely beautiful or insanely clever?
You're avoiding the question.
Mmmmmm.... I'm stalling.
Is it that hard to answer?
It's not a frivolous question. I would like to give some serious thought to it because I am a serious woman. No, don't laugh.
Sorry. I guess that's what comes from asking such a question to an obsessive pedant such as yourself.
I think.... I will take that as a compliment.
Well?
Sigh. What do I look for in a partner? Well, it's changed over the years. I used to have a check list of desirable qualities before I realised you can't squash people into boxes.
What was on this check list?
From the physical point - tall. Or at least taller than me, which narrowed the field quite a bit. Erm, a nice smile - men look less forbidding when they smile.
You think so?
Depends how they do it though. Not the smarmy, sleazy, "Hi, cik adik!" smile. I also went through a stage I couldn't stand a guy with long hair. I needed to see ears, I don't know why. Now, I'm not too bothered either way, though I think the only guy who looks better with long hair is Eddie Vedder.
Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam fame?
The very one.
Getting on a bit, isn't he?
But still atrractive though.
Anyways, what about the non-physical qualities on this list of yours?
I don't think I had much on that part of the list, besides him liking to read. A list is rather superficial in its purpose and the making of such lists renders a person two-dimensional.
So what do you do?
What do you do? You trundle on, I suppose. Try not to have any expectations or prejudices. Easier to say than do, I admit. Especially when you're on the lookout for any potential nutjobs.
You don't like the crazies?
Not when they're crazy 24/7. I had a guy stalk me for a whole year once. Made me skittish. However, I think everybody should have a streak of crazy in them. Makes them unpredictable and interesting.
Do you find that attractive?
Sometimes. Attraction itself is rather unpredictable and ineffable. You can't always exlain why somebody attracts your attention. It's a bit magic, I think. Like ankles.
Eh?!?!?
I was once attracted to a guy because of his ankles.
That sounds..... rather strange.
Well, I liked him a little bit before. He was one of those artsy-fartsy types that I never thought I'd be interested in. I thought my type was the clean-cut, straight-laced, scientific guys. Then one day I saw his ankles while pushing a fridge up the stairs and I had the strangest feeling come over me. Like the whole of my chest had dissolved into a puddle at my feet.
He was pushing a....? I'm not even going to ask.
My point is you can put down all sorts of criteria and caveats for your 'perfect soulmate' or whatever it is you want to call it but one day when you least expect it, 'ankles' can happen to you.
'Ankles'. That is your wise word of wisdom.
I never said I was wise. That's the only analogy I can come up with. Though I suspect I have a fetish for joints.
*feeling rather faint at this point* Joints?
Wrist joints in particular. And hands. Damn sexy.
Wrist.... hands.....
Well, think about it. Your work and your interests or hobbies partly shape who you are. And you pursue those interests and execute your job using your hands. So your hands somewhat reflect who you are. Unless.... you were born without hands. Then you'd have to look elsewhere.
Ri-i-i-i-ght. So did things work out between you and Mr. Ankles?
Nah, didn't even start.
Why?
My incompetence at flirting. The fact that he wasn't interested.
Tough luck.
*shrugs* I got over it.
So you haven't got a list anymore?
Well, I wouldn't say that was entirely true. I think everybody's got this picture at the back of their minds of how their perfect partner would look like.
Describe him in three words.
Someone who is kind. Passionate. Someone with integrity.
Not looking for hunksome? Buff? Rich?
Those would be a bonus. But what it all boils down to is respect. Whether I can respect him and him respect me. I don't think I could fall in love with somebody I didn't respect.
That's the first time you've used the word love in this entire conversation.
I know.
You were hedging before.
I feel awkward saying it. Even now.
Why?
Because it feels false. Like Posh Spice talking about politics. Or The Queen saying how much she likes The Sex Pistols.
Why do you think it's difficult for you?
I can give you all sorts of reasons. Familial upbringing. Cultural conditioning. Great expectations. Being a control freak. An unwillingness to be vulnerable.
So you're willing to change now?
I can't say. Truth be told, I enjoy being a hard-assed cynic sometimes. People don't walk all over you that way. But I'm willing to be more tolerant and forgiving now.
I'll believe that when I see it.
Yes, we all make promises we can't keep. But I'd like to believe, I have to believe that humans have a great capacity to love and be loved. To have compassion. If only we allow ourselves to.
Even hard-assed cynics?
Even hard-assed cynics. Because if we didn't, we'd be twisted, shrivelled, joyless things and we'd find no meaning and purpose in life. There are some places I don't want to go.
You've come over all philosophical now. What's gotten into you?
Oh I get like this from time to time. I take stock of my life - see what I've made of it. I might rabbit on about bands and hunky actors and TV shows but even I get tired of being shallow sometimes. You appreciate fun more when you've had your fill of serious. And vice versa.
So you've had your fill of fun?
Specifically, I'm tired of not having worked as a doctor. Yet, I'm strangely afraid to start again. It's that whole inertia thing. You've found yourself in a rut and it takes a lot of effort to dig yourself out of it. And I think I miss the connection.
What connection?
With patients. With colleagues. Feeling connected to the larger world. Feeling like you're part of something bigger than yourself. That what you do has meaning for someone. It goes back to the whole love and being loved thing. We all want to feel connected to each other in some way.
Even unsociable people such as yourself?
Even little old me. We live in a fractured world. We all try to grab as many connections as we can.
But some of your bleakest moments were when you were 'connected' to people. You were in some pretty black moments in the past two to three years.
I never said connecting to people wouldn't hurt. It's not all happy happy joy joy, skipping through the park. People can frustrate, hurt and betray you. You can feel hard done by. You might find yourself crying in the car on the way home from work. Or worse, breaking down at work.
Like you spectacularly did when you were a house officer.
Yes, but that was strangely liberating. And it made everyone else open up as well about how miserable they were, especially the other house officers. It wasn't unusual to walk in on somebody having a cry in the ward office or the supply closet. It's good to have a good cry once in a while. Not as a tool to use against others but as a way to let your frustrations out.
Better out than in, as you always say.
Indeed, because if you don't, you end up going loopy or being nasty to people around you. Worst case scenario you end up being taken off by the men in white coats or killing yourself.
Jeepers.
It's been known to happen. There's always a few in every graduating year.
Best not to get too connected then, huh?
No. There's nothing worse than not feeling anything. Take it from me, you don't want to be robot-girl.
So, do you feel better at letting all this out?
Yes, I do. My head feels a lot clearer now I've had this conversation.
You have conversations with yourself a lot?
All the time, my friend. All the time.
Eyes you can drown in.
Teeth.
I've heard it said that the people one is physically attracted to look a little like oneself. Makes sense, especially if you're the sort who's so in love with yourself you'd look for a partner with your own 'good looks'.
What do you look for in a partner?
Oh, it's one of those questions, is it? Like, if your house is on fire what would be the one thing you would save? Or would you choose to be extremely beautiful or insanely clever?
You're avoiding the question.
Mmmmmm.... I'm stalling.
Is it that hard to answer?
It's not a frivolous question. I would like to give some serious thought to it because I am a serious woman. No, don't laugh.
Sorry. I guess that's what comes from asking such a question to an obsessive pedant such as yourself.
I think.... I will take that as a compliment.
Well?
Sigh. What do I look for in a partner? Well, it's changed over the years. I used to have a check list of desirable qualities before I realised you can't squash people into boxes.
What was on this check list?
From the physical point - tall. Or at least taller than me, which narrowed the field quite a bit. Erm, a nice smile - men look less forbidding when they smile.
You think so?
Depends how they do it though. Not the smarmy, sleazy, "Hi, cik adik!" smile. I also went through a stage I couldn't stand a guy with long hair. I needed to see ears, I don't know why. Now, I'm not too bothered either way, though I think the only guy who looks better with long hair is Eddie Vedder.
Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam fame?
The very one.
Getting on a bit, isn't he?
But still atrractive though.
Anyways, what about the non-physical qualities on this list of yours?
I don't think I had much on that part of the list, besides him liking to read. A list is rather superficial in its purpose and the making of such lists renders a person two-dimensional.
So what do you do?
What do you do? You trundle on, I suppose. Try not to have any expectations or prejudices. Easier to say than do, I admit. Especially when you're on the lookout for any potential nutjobs.
You don't like the crazies?
Not when they're crazy 24/7. I had a guy stalk me for a whole year once. Made me skittish. However, I think everybody should have a streak of crazy in them. Makes them unpredictable and interesting.
Do you find that attractive?
Sometimes. Attraction itself is rather unpredictable and ineffable. You can't always exlain why somebody attracts your attention. It's a bit magic, I think. Like ankles.
Eh?!?!?
I was once attracted to a guy because of his ankles.
That sounds..... rather strange.
Well, I liked him a little bit before. He was one of those artsy-fartsy types that I never thought I'd be interested in. I thought my type was the clean-cut, straight-laced, scientific guys. Then one day I saw his ankles while pushing a fridge up the stairs and I had the strangest feeling come over me. Like the whole of my chest had dissolved into a puddle at my feet.
He was pushing a....? I'm not even going to ask.
My point is you can put down all sorts of criteria and caveats for your 'perfect soulmate' or whatever it is you want to call it but one day when you least expect it, 'ankles' can happen to you.
'Ankles'. That is your wise word of wisdom.
I never said I was wise. That's the only analogy I can come up with. Though I suspect I have a fetish for joints.
*feeling rather faint at this point* Joints?
Wrist joints in particular. And hands. Damn sexy.
Wrist.... hands.....
Well, think about it. Your work and your interests or hobbies partly shape who you are. And you pursue those interests and execute your job using your hands. So your hands somewhat reflect who you are. Unless.... you were born without hands. Then you'd have to look elsewhere.
Ri-i-i-i-ght. So did things work out between you and Mr. Ankles?
Nah, didn't even start.
Why?
My incompetence at flirting. The fact that he wasn't interested.
Tough luck.
*shrugs* I got over it.
So you haven't got a list anymore?
Well, I wouldn't say that was entirely true. I think everybody's got this picture at the back of their minds of how their perfect partner would look like.
Describe him in three words.
Someone who is kind. Passionate. Someone with integrity.
Not looking for hunksome? Buff? Rich?
Those would be a bonus. But what it all boils down to is respect. Whether I can respect him and him respect me. I don't think I could fall in love with somebody I didn't respect.
That's the first time you've used the word love in this entire conversation.
I know.
You were hedging before.
I feel awkward saying it. Even now.
Why?
Because it feels false. Like Posh Spice talking about politics. Or The Queen saying how much she likes The Sex Pistols.
Why do you think it's difficult for you?
I can give you all sorts of reasons. Familial upbringing. Cultural conditioning. Great expectations. Being a control freak. An unwillingness to be vulnerable.
So you're willing to change now?
I can't say. Truth be told, I enjoy being a hard-assed cynic sometimes. People don't walk all over you that way. But I'm willing to be more tolerant and forgiving now.
I'll believe that when I see it.
Yes, we all make promises we can't keep. But I'd like to believe, I have to believe that humans have a great capacity to love and be loved. To have compassion. If only we allow ourselves to.
Even hard-assed cynics?
Even hard-assed cynics. Because if we didn't, we'd be twisted, shrivelled, joyless things and we'd find no meaning and purpose in life. There are some places I don't want to go.
You've come over all philosophical now. What's gotten into you?
Oh I get like this from time to time. I take stock of my life - see what I've made of it. I might rabbit on about bands and hunky actors and TV shows but even I get tired of being shallow sometimes. You appreciate fun more when you've had your fill of serious. And vice versa.
So you've had your fill of fun?
Specifically, I'm tired of not having worked as a doctor. Yet, I'm strangely afraid to start again. It's that whole inertia thing. You've found yourself in a rut and it takes a lot of effort to dig yourself out of it. And I think I miss the connection.
What connection?
With patients. With colleagues. Feeling connected to the larger world. Feeling like you're part of something bigger than yourself. That what you do has meaning for someone. It goes back to the whole love and being loved thing. We all want to feel connected to each other in some way.
Even unsociable people such as yourself?
Even little old me. We live in a fractured world. We all try to grab as many connections as we can.
But some of your bleakest moments were when you were 'connected' to people. You were in some pretty black moments in the past two to three years.
I never said connecting to people wouldn't hurt. It's not all happy happy joy joy, skipping through the park. People can frustrate, hurt and betray you. You can feel hard done by. You might find yourself crying in the car on the way home from work. Or worse, breaking down at work.
Like you spectacularly did when you were a house officer.
Yes, but that was strangely liberating. And it made everyone else open up as well about how miserable they were, especially the other house officers. It wasn't unusual to walk in on somebody having a cry in the ward office or the supply closet. It's good to have a good cry once in a while. Not as a tool to use against others but as a way to let your frustrations out.
Better out than in, as you always say.
Indeed, because if you don't, you end up going loopy or being nasty to people around you. Worst case scenario you end up being taken off by the men in white coats or killing yourself.
Jeepers.
It's been known to happen. There's always a few in every graduating year.
Best not to get too connected then, huh?
No. There's nothing worse than not feeling anything. Take it from me, you don't want to be robot-girl.
So, do you feel better at letting all this out?
Yes, I do. My head feels a lot clearer now I've had this conversation.
You have conversations with yourself a lot?
All the time, my friend. All the time.
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