The goat

So, there we were - three women in their late twenties, lounging on a faux-leather sofa having a nice post-prandial banter with a bunch of friends. Usually it would be just the three of us - me, Si and Em - talking about life, work and relationships - having that Bridget Jones moment which we thought would never come to us, because 'oh no, we're so above that!'

But tonight was a farewell party for a friend who was off to Australia for a newer, better job in a newer, better place than sorry-ass England, and the talk frequently turned to career paths, professional exams, work-life balance etc. Cat was talking about a friend who works in computers who did not go to university because she thought it was a waste of time. Instead she plunged straight into work and gained experience and skills on the job. She is only a year older than me but she has been so successful that she has two homes in London and one in San Francisco where she now works from home and makes shedloads of money.

On hearing that, Si laughed and ruefully said,"We're all in the wrong profession. Why did we go to med school in the first place?"

There are few times in your life when your whole perspective of the yourself and the world gets tipped over its head. This was one of those moments. Let me explain. Si, Em and I all come from paternalistic societies and all our parents are of the middle-class highly educated types, where however modern our parents think they are, there is this underlying understanding that the onus of providing and protecting the family lies on the male. This hasn't stopped any of our mothers telling us throughout our childhood that we must work hard and get ourselves a decent education so we can get good jobs and not have to depend on a man on our livelihood. Never, my mum used to say, allow yourself to be trapped by a man because you feel you do not have the skills necessary to survive on your own.

I never thought I would never go to university. It seemed like the natural order of things. I made it through secondary school, got a scholarship to England, did well in my A-Levels, got accepted into university, graduated from medical school with a degree and licence to kill treat fellow human beings. Then, my mother, in cahoots with the League of Mothers, changed the plan. (Or maybe the plan was always the same and we were only fooled into thinking that it was different.) There started to be hints and oblique questions about men, boyfriends, marriage, perhaps? I batted them aside jokingly, because this is my mum for goodness sake, she's not like the stereotypical pushy ethnic mum. The hints later turned into critiques about my face, my hair, my clothes - "You should wear more makeup," or "Why do you always wear black?" and "Pink looks so nice on you."

Worse, is when those critiques turned into a weary sigh,"You give off the impression that you are too independent. That you don't need anyone. Men like to be needed. Maybe you should pretend a little bit......

!!!!!!!

Suddenly, all the other mums' off-hand comments began to take another meaning. I remember a woman complaining when her daughter-in-law gave up a lucrative job as a barrister to work with children as a teacher's assistant. Or various aunts saying how pleased any future mother-in-law would be to get a doctor as a wife for their son. It suddenly seemed like a degree, specifically a professional degree, seemed not so much an achievement to be proud of, but as some sort of dowry or value-added tax for a potential bride. Instead of twenty goats to tempt my in-laws, I now come with a medical degree. So what if that daughter-in-law is doing a job she loves? She's bringing down her social status and therefore her in-law's social status by being a 'mere' teacher's assistant. What if I wanted to quit the medical profession and open a poky a little bookshop? Would I be considered less attractive because I was in trade? I feel like I'm in some Jane Austen book.

The purpose of going to university in the first place was to get a man. Yup, it all comes down to that for us well-brought up ladies. Get a man. We were only pretending to work before, we were only playing at being doctors.