Malaysian drivers

Note: Not that anybody noticed, but due to several problems with a fried modem, a computer virus, an unstable phone line and trips to kampungs with no internet access, several of my posts have been uploaded belatedly. So dates will have no correlation to actual events.

You can only be patient with Malaysian drivers for so long before you feel like punching them in the face, scream obscenities about their parentage and bash their monstrous four-wheel drives in with a sledgehammer.

Yes, I know a third of you out there have lesen kopi, while the other third passed because the JPJ officers couldn’t be arsed that day, but that doesn’t disqualify you from having a brain and utilising it. If several cars come screaming down on you on the highway then overtake you on the inside lane while giving you dirty looks means that travelling at 80km/h on the fast lane in a 110km/h zone is the quickest way to get somebody to ram you in the back.

Just because you pay your road tax doesn’t mean you can drive anywhere you like on the road or park anywhere you like. Yellow lines mean no parking you fool, much less double parking. Just because you have a huge Mercedes and you have a Dato’ in front of your given name doesn’t mean you can buat muka bodoh and ignore the fact that you’re causing a traffic jam behind you. If you would drive only a few metres ahead you would see that there are more parking spaces if you would only get off your lazy arse and walk instead of absolutely having to park right in front of the store you want to go to. Just because you have a Kancil doesn’t mean your car defies the laws of physics and you can squeeze in anywhere because you still take up a lane on the road and a car-shaped space of which I can drive into.

If you want to change lanes, jangan buat terkemut-terkemut and drift in between two lanes for a whole minute. Oh, and you know that stick by your steering wheel that will flash the orange lights on your car? That’s the indicator lights, you muppet! Use it, you don’t have to pay extra every time you do.

It doesn’t help that most Majlis Perbandaran or the Roadworks Department or whoever’s responsible for the roads have no clue how to build or plan them properly. Lines, road markings and signboards give you no clue as to which direction you should be going or which lane you should be in in order to avoid going to Setapak when you want to go to PJ.

You run the risk of crunching a pedestrians foot every time they step on the carriageway because pavements are so poorly maintained or non-existent.

There’s no point in widening the road because people will only use it to park their so you effectively end up with the same number of lanes before the work started.

There’s no point in building even more bypasses and expressways when they all converge on the same tiny road at the end.

Nobody seems to realise that Malaysians can’t go anywhere without their cars. But wait, this shopping mall is doing so much big business, so why don’t we build another monstrosity with little or no parking with even poorer access so we can make loads more cash, eh? And we’ll charge those suckers stupid enough not to double park a gazillion dollars for the privilege of using our rotten little pot-ridden carpark.

Edit: I don't know how I could have missed this one, the absolute cardinal sin in my book of what not to do when you're driving - queue jumping. One thing that will guarantee to turn me into The Incredible Hulk is the asswipes who will drive on the emergency lane and attempt to cut you off right where you and a hundred other stupid people who have been following the rules and queuing. It just proves that in Malaysia you can't get anywhere by trying to do the right thing. If you're stupid enough to be honest and law-abiding, you get fucked over and still be last.