Every experience one has had adds a little spot of colour on to the background of the personality one is born with.When a childhood is spent in a rough-and-tumble household, when the school-age years is spent in a competitive environment, when one learns throughout young adulthood to rely on oneself to achieve one's own goals and to feel the consequences of one's own decisions, one develops a certain attitude that is self-centric. I ponder my own problems, I make my own decisions, I take action on those decisions alone and I accept the results of those actions.
I find it far easier to get angry at an injustice, or to face a fear as a challenge, or to extend kindness to a stranger. It is far harder to comprehend the wants and needs of a loved one; the emotions are too complex. It is harder too, to find yourself at the receiving end of kindness, to suddenly realise that someone finds you deserving of kindness and compassion. It is not that my self-esteem is so low, it is just that I do not think I have done anything to deserve it. All I have done is what I know I have to do, out of what I feel is right. How strange to think that others have noticed and admired my actions. How strange to have others speak with concern of the potential mistake that I will make in my future. How strange that it is not a close friend or family that is concerned for my future happiness, but someone who would have nothing to gain from my emotional well-being.
It is enough to make one come undone, to have tears prickle at the corner of my eyes. I have been fortunate in many things in life that I never expected to be shown sympathy. Suddenly I find someone feeling sorry for me and going out of their way to be kind to me.
It is too much.
I find it far easier to get angry at an injustice, or to face a fear as a challenge, or to extend kindness to a stranger. It is far harder to comprehend the wants and needs of a loved one; the emotions are too complex. It is harder too, to find yourself at the receiving end of kindness, to suddenly realise that someone finds you deserving of kindness and compassion. It is not that my self-esteem is so low, it is just that I do not think I have done anything to deserve it. All I have done is what I know I have to do, out of what I feel is right. How strange to think that others have noticed and admired my actions. How strange to have others speak with concern of the potential mistake that I will make in my future. How strange that it is not a close friend or family that is concerned for my future happiness, but someone who would have nothing to gain from my emotional well-being.
It is enough to make one come undone, to have tears prickle at the corner of my eyes. I have been fortunate in many things in life that I never expected to be shown sympathy. Suddenly I find someone feeling sorry for me and going out of their way to be kind to me.
It is too much.
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