Skip to main content

Pieces of an essay on relationships

Many years ago, I used to look with a bemused air at the women who ran around in a tizz like Bridget Jones over their men and their realtionships with them, and secretly looked down on all things chick-lit and all those who claim to enjoy that genre. As they say in life, what goes around comes around. Although I haven't rushed out to buy the entire works of Marian Keyes, for example, I have come to see why people write books like these and why so many enjoy buying and reading it. Yes, because I have questions too, and am starting to wonder. Many of my single, 20-something friends are getting....... I guess the word to use is, concerned, re: their single lifestyle. Not that we don't enjoy it, but there comes a point in your life when you think, "Hang on. Is this it?"

Because no matter how independent, kick ass, superwoman, super feminist type of person you are, at the end of the day, everyone is looking for love and companionship, that special someone, the soulmate, the love of your life............... whatever you want to call it.

So, here we are, a bunch of professional women in our late 20s, thinking we have got most of the material things we want in life but look, we need to get a move on in that whole love thing. There is no point in waiting for that special someone to fall into your lap from the stars. You have to make an effort to GET OUT THERE and MEET people. Ok, so we know we've got heterosexual tendencies. Right, so we've narrowed it down to all of the opposite sex. Great start. Now where do we meet some eligible young men?

I know two people who have gone on one of those matchmaking sites on the internet. And before you say anything, no, they are not butt ugly with zero personality - one of them's a stunner and they're both nice people. My own cousin met a bloke on the internet a few years ago and they're happily married with two kids now. It may be a bit like those personal ads you see in newspapers and magazines (they've even got them in the British Medical Journal of all places) but at least you get to know a little bit of the person prior to meeting them. Yes, there may be a lot of weirdos, or people letting their inner weirdo loose on the internet, but there are also a lot of ordinary people out there who are genuine in their intentions. However, I can't get over the ad of Match.com on the television where they sweetly add, "If you don't find a match within six months, we'll give you another six months free!"

I get the awful feeling I'd have to take them up on that offer.

Yes, everyone wants to find someone. Someone special just for themselves. I admit I do. I don't go 'Eurgh' anymore. A woman pointed out in a blog (can't remember which now) that the reason so many people fail at relationships is that they have a tick box sheet for potential partners. He must tick all the correct ones i.e. looks, money, social status etc. I guess it is true to a certain degree. We do look for people who tick those boxes for us rather than trust to..what? Chemistry? Fate?

Personally for me, there is another stumbling block. In Malaysian society, no matter how modern we think we are, the male still reigns supreme. He's not a philandering son of a bitch. He's just a man with a man's needs. She's not a wife ignored by an irresponsible husband. She's a cheap adulteress. A man gets backslaps for bedding many women. A woman gets called a slut. A divorced man can still re-marry. A divorced woman is tainted. The laws may aim to be even-handed and secure the wife and children's rights but in reality, it rarely happens in a world where a man feels it is his right to do as he pleases.

You may say I'm getting ahead of myself here. I guess when I see so many bad examples around me, I feel hesitant. Some of my aunts tell me I should not be so picky. Strange advice to give considering this will be the man I am to spend most, if not the rest of my life with. The man who will be the father of my children. The man I trust to look after me, the one to hold my most sacred trusts. The man who will see at my most vulnerable. The man who has the potential to crush me, if he so wills.

I am not the best analyst in the world, nor very coherent at saying what I mean. So I shall leave you with a few paragraphs from Patricia Ingham's introduction to Elizabeth Gaskell's classic novel North and South. I could nothave felt any truer, even if it is an analysis of the fictional characters of Margaret Hale and John Thornton. But from where else but real life could two such characters have come?

What she most resists is a marriage that will relegate her to a position of
mere womanly influence over him. She remembers the 'continued series of
opposition' in which he earlier showed his contempt for her opinions on life in
Milton. Even in the proposal scene he speaks contemptuously of her 'misplaced
sympathies' with the strikers. He offers her a chance to influence him but what
she wants is power.

Loyalty and obedience are virtues when those who wield power are wise and
just but it is still finer to defy arbitrary power, unjustly and cruelly
used.

Comments

Anonymous said…
It's a question one never gets answered satisfactorily, no matter how long you live.

Is the Grand Passion just a con, a cruel mind-game? An ideal to look up to (for directions only, mind) but never something tangible to strive for?

I'm 46, have a wife I respect deeply and 5 kids I love desperately.

Happy, yes but yet this question somehow nags in my head from time to time.

And no, she wasn't a Grand Passion but a rather sober decision.

God is a comedian whose audience are too scared to laugh.
Kere said…
A lot of people seem to be making sober decisions lately.

Still, I've come to a point where I don't expect continuing fireworks. I expect respect, love, equal sharing of the burdens of a household. In a time where women don't need men to look after them financially, what use would a husband be if all he does is double your workload at home and increase your heartache?

I'm not saying that's what you are doing, but I feel that women get the raw side of the deal in a marriage.

Popular posts from this blog

Another S.E.X.Y.F.A.T. announcement

As a member of S.E.X.Y.F.A.T. (Society for the EXploitation of Yummy men in Film And Television) I feel obliged to do a run-down of top hunks that graced our (okay, my consciousness) in 2006. For the original S.E.X.Y.F.A.T. manifesto, please see Maryam's Guide To Everything Part 1. And no, I can't be bothered to review anything else in 2006 or make any resolutions because a) it's boring b) yeah, right, as if I'll change my ways c) this was way more fun My Top 3 Jensen Ackles (Jensen, you know it's me you want, not Maryam!) Jared Padalecki (Oh, alright, I'll have you instead) Jim Caviezel (aaaah, my blue-eyed Jim, why so sad? Is it because you are No.3?) Special Mention Guy Berryman (you are still yummy) Brandon Flowers (but only circa 2003 when he was sans eyeliner, mustache and gelled flattened hair) Paolo Nutini ( a bit too young for me but lovely all the same) Johnny Depp (the long time favourite, still going strong. You still float my boat Johnnayy! ...

May 2007's list

Books 1. I Am Muslim - DINA ZAMAN . No, don't go running off at the title because Dina Zaman's latest isn't going to preach/proselytise/ to you or urge you to leave your 'sinning ways' and repent. As Dina herself said, this isn't a book about religion, it's about a person who happens to be a Muslim trying to make sense and find her way amidst perilous Kuala Lumpur life. Sometimes, she's not even writing from a Muslim point of view (whatever that is) but from a thirty-something newly single woman just experiencing life and poking fun at it. It's rather a relief to me, that even someone like Dina, whose column Dina's Dalca I used to read as a teenager in the New Straits Times, is still searching and is still trying to find some semblance of order and meaning in today's world. Dina's humour is never nasty, nor despairing and the warmth of her anecdotes of the people she meets, no matter how bizarre, demonstrates her willingness to learn an...

The pimping of Supernatural

Sometimes I feel like I should obsess over something a bit more respectable, like reading my textbooks for instance, or jogging or raising funds for orphan kids. Alas, such respectability is beyond me now for my body houses a shallow mind, so I get excited over TV shows and an actor. (A hot actor, mind you). But then again, why is it not valid to enormously appreciate such things? The amount of work that goes into producing a good television series is surely nothing to sniff at, while acting convincingly is not as easy as it seems. Just look at the number of bad actors there are out there. Of course, obsessing over things is made easier nowadays with more young people with disposable incomes, the internet providing us with endless facts and figures about our latest obsession, as well as connecting us with fellow obsessees all over the world. Knowing people with similar interests validates your obsession and makes you feel less guilty over it. Plus having somebody scream in a girly-mann...