I'm Not Asleep, My Eyes Are Just Closed

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Fucking shit. I'm sick of this fucking shit. If I wasn't such a stubborn bitch with a motherfucking ego, I'd have quit this stupid gig. Fuck.

From a patient in a ward: "Doktor mesti belum kahwin lagi kan?" "Ya, belum. Kenapa?" "Sebab muka doktor ceria je." From a patient in clinic that I hadn't seen in a while: "Waaah, doktor sudah gemuk." From an Air Asia flunkie at the departure gates: "Are you pregnant?" From the lady sitting next to me on the plane: "Kamu kerja kilang ke?" From a colleague: "Ko ni poyo." Thanks everyone, I'll be here all week.

Lee Pace is adorable. Just fucking adorable. End of.

More accurately, it was just incredible coincidence. I had just given a talk that Friday morning at our hospital's Continuing Medical Education programme, which is attended by any hospital staff available, including the hospital consultants and the hospital director. It went down well, I think. I put lots of pictures which I hoped would prevent anyone from falling asleep. So I banged on for half an hour about ectopic pregnancies, about how it is the leading cause of maternal mortality in the first trimester, the various ways you can treat it and other problems that could present similarly to a ruptured ectopic, i.e. a twisted ovarian cyst. I was having a well-earned breakfast later when A&E called, saying that they've got a possible ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Ah, dammit. I swallowed the rest of my Pepsi (yes, I know, a carbonated sugary drink for breakfast, bad girl, bad girl) and made my way to emergency. There was a lady writhing with pain, holding on to her left side. T...

I've been having a disturbing number of flashbacks lately. I'd eat in a restaurant and think of the time I ate there with my Dad. I'd hold another woman's baby in my arms and think of the time when I held my own niece and she'd hug me back. I'd listen to Rufus Wainwright and my heart would clench with nervousness as I'm reminded of the long car drives to work in the Emergency Department. I'd drift off to sleep only to wake up with the remnants of a nightmare where I'm endlessly sewing a patient's uterus. I went into work one morning and heard about my colleagues bad on-call. Instead of feeling sorry for him, I was frightened and nervous the entire 24 hours that I was on-call. I had a horrible feeling that there would be more deaths and the dying seeping onto my day from yesterday. I barely slept that night, even though nothing more than a ruptured ectopic pregnancy happened. Some days you wake up and you have an awful feeling that something bad i...

I hate my new stethoscope. It looks like a vagina. And I see enough of those on a daily basis without having a plastic replica of it hanging around my neck. Having lost the stethoscope which I've had since I was a first year medical student, I ordered one through a friend who bought it at the hospital medical shop. Get the new high tech, light weight one, she says. It comes in all sorts of fun colours. I think I'll buy the usual Litmann Classic, I say. I've always used that one and I quite like it. No, no get this new one, it's much better. Besides looking like a vagina, my new stethoscope comes in a range of cheap- looking plastic swathed in a strange disco glitter which somewhow manages to look drab as vomit. I hate whoever's taken my old stethoscope. It's got my name engraved on it but that hasn't stopped them from saying "Ooh, I'll have that then." Death to the stethoscope stealer!

The setting : Busy day in the Infertility clinic The characters : One clueless doctor, one nearly thirty nulliparous lady Doctor : So, Mrs. X.... (rustles some paperwork). The treatment we have been giving you has worked, your hormone levels are now normal. (beams proudly at patient). It's now up to you and your husband to get pregnant. Mrs X : Oh.... Doctor : Yes. Uh, how often do you and husband have sexual intercourse? Mrs. X : About 10 times a month. Doctor : That's about 2 - 3 times a week. Not too bad. Just keep on doing, what you are doing then. Mrs. X : But doctor, I have no desire anymore! What do I do? Doctor : (Although has always considered herself fairly open about sexual matters and can make sex jokes in front of her parents, suddenly finds herself flustered.) Well, uh, you do what you normally do... what you did when you first got married...uh, we don't have any female Viagra. At that moment of time, Doctor could not think of any decent ways to suggest to pat...